the Atherley Arms…

I had the most insane 48 hours of my entire life…

So Monday rolls around and Andrew (from the stripclub) doesn’t call me. I eventually track him down around 8pm and he says that he’ll come get me on Tuesday morning…and I can bring a friend.

My friend “Victoria Vendetta” is always the adventurous one, usually more of a partier, and often the first girl to get naked. I have to admit that I kindof convinced her to come with me. The prospects of money, fame and nudity being very good bribes for a Burlesque dancer, she agreed.

Monday night, I bought this great teal fringe dress and was dying to go dancing. I called up Victoria and we aimlessly walked down Ossington to find somewhere to go. Toronto is dead on Monday, so we decide that we’ll go to a strip club at Bloor and Lansdowne called “the Paradise” to learn the ropes.

As soon as we arrive at the Paradise, all eyes are on us. We grab a front row table and watch the saddest stripper dance slowly to some pop song, I think that her name was Isis, 10 minutes of this sad dance pass and another stripper comes up from the platform elevator in the middle of the stage. This stripper seemed to be actually not drugged out, she came out smiling in a Lycra pink barelythere bodysuit. The very encouraging guys a table behind ours gave us a bunch of 5 dollar billls and told us to go on stage. I go first, the stripper directs me to lay down on the stage and she hikes up my fringe and licks my boobs and belly. There is crotch lingering above my head and boobs everywhere. I give her her $5, well deserved. From the corner of my eye, I see Victoria climbing onto the stage and lays down too. I get up and do a bit of a dance.

Apparently, this show was not enough for the audience tonight. Drinks kept flooding in our table…shots, whiskey sours, whatever. We’re drunk, it’s now 2am, the last stripper stripped and  we decide to take the stage. I did the Charleston naked, but none of that waving my pussy in the air shit.

We eventually get asked to leave, we put our clothes on and walk out $20 richer.We find a guy on the street with pot and he loves Victoria. He won’t stop following us for about an hour, even after our conversation about chopping dicks off and singing showtunes.  We get in a cab and tell him we’re going to the Lakeview Lunch if he wants to see us later, we actually go to Victoria’s to make breakfast.

I get a couple hours of sleep in before I have to go home and get ready for Andrew to pick us up to go to the club. When I get home I’m actually excited to strip because we had such a good time at the Paradise. Andrew shows up and my boyfriend James helps with my luggage. I see a big white van…not them..thank god. I greet two obviously homosexual but not out of the closet yet guys in a brand new BMW. Andrew Anthony was actually once the host for that bad tv show, matchmaker on Slice TV. We start driving out of the city but make a quick stop to pick up Victoria. We’re both nervous but excited for this new adventure.

We arrive at the Atherley Arms Motel, it reaks like cigarettes and old beer. It wouldn’t be so bad if it didn’t look like it came out of the 70s.

Room 1 – No touching, just taunt them with your pussy…if they want to touch you go to
Room 2 – Do not collect $200, do not pass go. .If they want to touch your titties let them. Don’t blow them if there’s another girl in the room. Make them wear a condom in case you dry-fuck them to hard. If you really want to fuck them take them to…
Room 3 – Triple X Rated, do whatever you want. You should be able to get $300, but sometimes if they don’t have it I settle for $150..

That was our explanation from our new stripper friend. I forget her name but remember her baby pouch stomach. She gave Victoria a lapdance…thanks for volunteering!

Our hotel room was probably the second dirtiest room i’ve been in since Winnipeg. It didn’t have a screen, so they taped a garbage bag up to the window. There was a broken hockey stick strung up on the wall, I wonder what that’s for?

I am too disgusted to walk on the rug, to sit on the bed i put a dress down first. There is no washroom in the room, it is community shared and trust me I would’ve rather pissed outside and never showered again than use it..

Victoria and I get dressed up like hussies and line-up at the meatmarket errr I mean the bar stools…and wait as men come and go…1 man every 2 hours. “The bar isn’t licensed and they’re not here for a soda” Andrew explains. It’s not like we could even meet these men, we’re working with pros. Our pussy-colleagues were these 60+ women that should’ve been in nursing homes, not in stilettos.

What feels like a fucking lifetime passes and my asscheeks are stuck to the vinyl of the chair, Victoria and I decide to go get food and smoke a joint to evaluate the situation. We’re sitting at this quaint little fish n’ chips joint, I am happy to take a pee in what seemed like a remarkably clean washroom. Victoria suggests that we give the night a go and see how we like it when customers show up.

We go back, see two bikers pull in and see an opportunity. We’re stoned and haphazardly getting back into our bras and thongs. By the time we actually get down to the bar, it’s empty with two pop cans still cold at the bar. I don’t know about Victoria, but I felt pretty pathetic. Sitting and waiting seems to go on forever until a bunch of old men come in for a “pop and a dance”. Victoria must have been extra stoned since she went on the stage first. She was undeniably sexy dancing to “down in medico”, but it was more Burlesque than anything. The old men weren’t used to seeing a young lady actually dance and left without tipping after the song.

Stoned and feeling cheap, the stripper with the baby pouch teaches me some polework. I feel like i’m in a John Waters film. I’m burning out so we decide to smoke the rest of the weed in the hotel room and kill some more time.

I don’t know why but the second joint made us both insanely paranoid. We wanted to go home but couldn’t get a hold of James, Convinced we’re both going to get murdered, we quietly pack our stuff and make an escape plan…”We’ll go out the fire exit, I suggest…but if Andrew comes up the stairs I’ll explain to him what happened.”

Our luggage is packed, I keep questioning why I brought so much shit when my job is to be naked. We’re both scared and freaking out. Andrew must have heard the commotion and comes up the stairs questioning our motives.

“Were just not comfortable here…i’m sorry”. Andrew keeps asking why a billion times and looks like he’s on the verge of tears. He runs down the stairs without saying goodbye and slams the door. I told you earlier that he was a closet homosexual. He reads FLARE magazine.

We escape still from the fire exit, convinced that the other strippers might attack us or Andrew is coming back with a knife. We walk along Athereley street, which is best describes as a strip of nothingness that seems to go on and on and on. My feet hurt and we stop at the “Wild Wing” bar, feeling bad about everything I try to compensate by buying a pitcher for Victoria and I. The bar closes at 10 which is odd and Victoria and I feel hopeless and stranded. I remember all of a sudden that I wanted to go to the Casino-Rama in Orillia a couple of years ago to see Dolly Parton, there’s a bus that goes between there and Toronto!! We leave the bar and of course none of the cab companies would answer the phone. Apparently Orillia rolls up their sidewalks around 6pm. We hitch a ride after much efforts on the side of the highway, a young redneck takes us to the Casino in his pick up truck. Like every man that’s ever met Victoria, he loves her…trying desperately to get her to believe that he has access to a VIP suite in the casino with a pool and a hot tub. I barf a little in my mouth.

We get there and I’m still drunk and stoned. It’s obvious that Victoria and I have been through hell with our eyeliner and lipstick smeared. I think that the lady at the Casino felt sorry for us and had some motherly duty to get us back to Toronto. She accepted my ID which isn’t legal, had us fill out pamphlets and made us Casino-Rama VIP members…we then were directly to Tin-Pen tours or something with tiny asian men in pink suits. They got us to sign something, it could have been to sell our organs or anything but I didn’t even care enough to read it. We got passes to bus 6.

We both slept all the way to Toronto and got in at 2am looking like hell. I was in pj’s in sky high wedges and we took a cab.. Before Victoria got out at her stop, we high-fived and promised never to go back to Orillia unless Stevie Nicks or Dolly Parton is there. We figured that would be the only reason valid enough to go to that armpit of the earth again.

I still want to strip, but there is a major difference between hooking and stripping. I’m going to look into some other clubs and before agreeing to work i’m going to check it out first. My pussy is worth more than $150 and it’s not for sale.

Also…I’ve found an article about the Atherley Arms, someone was murdered there last January..

http://www.topix.com/forum/ca/halton-hills-on-georgetown/TJ1DQ1ADL6I79V2AD